With tears of confusion and hurt I looked straight into my dad's eyes the other night and asked him if he thought Jesus loves me. Because how I understood His love was by the way He knew me - and knew what I needed. Doesn't He know I need Nate?
My dad's response was that, "Yes, Jesus does love you, very much". He qouted a part of John 3:16 that says, 'For God so loved the world...'
"That includes you Rosanna". That includes me. A verse I've known by heart...
Yesterday I sat by Nate's grave and among other questions and tears I asked God, do you love me? Do you love me? The lyrics of a song from the slideshow came into my mind and I started singing them -
I'll see you when I get there, when my life is through. Will you take me to Jesus' feet? Hand in hand we'll sing...
Then I stopped and said aloud, I get to see Nate again. Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me because He has made a way for me to see Nate again.
John 3:16 says, For God so loved the world - that He gave His only son that whoever believes in Him will not die but have ETERNAL LIFE.
Because Nate believed and I believe in Jesus and that His death paid the penalty of sin, our final destination is the exact same place. We will live eternally in the presence of our Creator. The tears, confusion and longing that consume these days will not last forever. Long before I ever met Nate and loved him, long before my heart knew sorrow, God had a plan. Yes, Jesus loves me. 'For God so loved the world...'
34 comments:
Rosanna, I remember you asking the question of God's love when you were waiting to find your Nate. All those lonely sundays didn't feel like love. I can't imagine how deep your question resounds inside you today, but He is the same today, the same yesterday and the same tomorrow. I like how you're thinking- God loved me then, He has to love me now. And He does. Your trust in that is amazing. I know you don't feel like you're trusting because you have so many questions, but you are searching for God's heart and that is exactly where you should be. You are a woman after God's heart. You amaze me Rose. I love you so much and wish so much I was by your side. I wanna hug you so close. I miss you gorgeous.
~Rox
Rosanna, you inspire me more than you will ever imagine.
Hugging you from afar, Rosanna. xoxo
Oh Rosanna, my heart aches for you. I can't imgaine what your going through but I know Jesus does love you along with many other people whom you know and people you don't. Praying for you a little harder today!
Thanks for sharing your heart, Rosanna. We send you hugs and drooly baby kisses.
Love Tom, Lynette, Lucas, Sarah, Jillian, and Carrie
Praying for you today.
i have no words today Rosanna. because i just cannot comprehend the pain you feel. just the thought of you sitting by Nate's grave...i will just pray for you today that you will continue to have breakthroughs where piece by piece you are given more understanding. you are loved.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). Yes, Jesus loves you. And he loves your questions. "You're braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. And smarter than you think" (Christopher Robin in Pooh's Grand Adventure).
- Michelle Santschi
Rosanna,
I don't think you realize how many people you are ministering to by sharing your journey. I am so grateful for your willingness to be open and real. My heart aches for you today...
Christina
I thank God that Nate so openly loved the Lord, and that you do too. I'll be praying for the strength to endure this time until... "I'll see you when I get there..."
You are loved Rosanna. You are beautiful. And your courage brings so much hope.
Rosanna,
again I appreciate your openness in sharing moments through this most difficult time. Even though I don't know you that well, I so desperately wish there was something I could do for you, but not knowing what that looks like other than fervent prayer. I am so thankful that God has given you numerous people to support you, encourage you, and remind you that indeed, Jesus loves you.
I'm glad you're searching Rosanna and that you're asking these questions. Searching means you're looking for God and doing that can only bring you closer to him. God does love you even though it seems hard to believe at the moment. Supporting you in prayer. Big hugs,
Yvonne
Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!
And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!
I love you!
I stared at this post for a long time last night...aching for you, crying...praying. I pray for strength as you confront the questions that are painful to ask. As you are living with pain that is relentless.
The hope and victory that you share is so honoring to Nate. So inspiring for others.
I continue to pray.
You are outstanding Rosanna, i love reading your post they are so uplifting and encouraging. You have lost someoen so close and special to you that i only hope that i would be seekign God in such times of grieving. I have a hard time searching for God now with my life "all together">< Continue to seek God in all that you do, He does love you and i know he has His arms aroudn you every step of the way.
Hey Rosanna,
I miss u so much, I think about you everyday and hope that you are ok. I am heading back to Edmonton soon, i will keep in touch as best i can. You have so much courage, I hope you know that. lots-o-luv,
-Jill
Thank you for sharing this, Rosanna. Even though you may question it, the fact that you still believe that Jesus LOVES you is so inspiring. And, praise God that you DO get to see Nate again one day. What a wonderful day that will be! Seeing Jesus face to face and reuniting with Nate too!
I feel my words are not eloquent as those shared before, but I love that God is okay with our questions and that he is ready to answer them even though its hard to hear or see those responses!
I love you Rosanna and wishing you a enveloping hug and wet smooch from Aidy Baby:)
Rosanna, Not only are you a gifted writer you are an awesome photographer. The way you put these two things together is incredibly touching and insightful. Your honesty is deeply moving and you are loved and appreciated more than you will ever know. Out of your brokeness there is such power and ministry to others. I only pray that one day the pain in your heart will be overwhelmed by great joy and peace!
Thank you again for sharing from your heart Rosanna.
Brenda
I know no one can play with your hair or hug you like Nate did....I just pray that God gives you different things that comfort you. I want to hug you so bad and wish this hurt away for you. I wish there was more I could do. Mary, I love you.
I thought of you as I read devotions today:
"'He laid His right hand upon me.' In the midst of the awfulness, a touch comes, and you know it is the right hand of Jesus Christ. The right hand not of restraint nor of correction nor of chastisement, but the right hand of the Everlasting Father. Whenever his hand is laid upon you, it is ineffable peace and comfort, the sense that "underneath are the everlasting arms," full of sustaining and comfort and strength. When once His touch comes, nothing at all can cast you into fear again. In the midst of all His ascended glory' the Lord Jesus comes to speak.... and to say - 'Fear not.' His tenderness is ineffably sweet." (Oswald Chambers)
Rosanna... I will continue to uphold you in prayer... God Bless your words, they are always very meaningful and inspirational to me. -Danae
Rosanna,
You are in my prayers...my heart just aches so much for you...but you are in good hands...God's hands.
Love to you,
Lana xoxo
Rosanna,
Every time I hear this song I think of you and so I thought I'd share it with you.
Mercyme
"Homesick"
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand time.
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you.
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you.
I close my eyes and I see your face.
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow.
I've never been more homesick than now.
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways.
The reason why, I wonder if I'll ever know.
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same;
Cause I'm still here so far away from home.
I close my eyes and I see your face.
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow.
I've never been more homesick than now.
In Christ, there are no goodbyes.
And in Christ, there is no end.
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again.
To see you again.
And I close my eyes and I see your face.
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow.
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow.
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow.
I've never been more homesick than now.
I'm continuing to pray for you every day.
Rose, Jesus is closer to you than the air you breathe - thanking God for meeting/sitting with you beside Nate's grave and speaking your language :) He does love you!
Missing you tonight. Love you!
Rosanna...
I just wanted to thank you so much for sharing your heart and allowing God to use you through this amazingly difficult time. May He richly bless you...
You are constantly in my prayers.
Kristal Sawyer =)
Rosanna, I do not know of any words to say right now except for, I love you and am praying for you daily. There is not a day that I don't think of you for even a minute to stop and pray that you are doing alright. I cannot imagine what pain you are feeling, but I know that God's love is unfailing and his mercies are new. I pray that you will find some peace in all of this. Let me know if there is anything I can ever do for you. Love Carly Thiessen
I don't really know you but you have really been close to my heart and I have learned so much as I am reading your journey. Thanks for being so open and real.
Rosanna - why God insists on showing His love for us in "these" ways, I will never understand. But it's so unreal to feel the painful joy of where our loved ones are RIGHT NOW! In March we lost a baby and I never thought I could EVER forgive God for the pain - physical and spiritual - He was insisting on putting me through, but I knew that there was NO other place to lean, but on Him. As much as I was angry and as much as I wanted to find some other way to comfort myself, He kept drawing me back to Him, and like the stubborn child I am, I reluctantly let Him hold me. It was in those times when He revealed to me the reality of how AWESOME it is to have a child waiting for me in heaven - someone who is mine and loved SOO much, but who will never have cried a sad tear in it's life and someone I will never have to reprimand! Someone who gets to dance at the feet of Jesus for all eternity and only know Heaven - how can that not make me smile (and cry, longing for the day when I get to meet them) So I know that we are coming from different avenues of loss completely, but we both have someone waiting for us - someone who gets to praise Jesus and dance at His feet daily! What a wonderfully painful picture - one that He allows us to imagine...because He loves us!
Thinking of you LOTS and praying for you too,
Christina
Rosanna,
My heart aches so deeply for you... there isnt a day that goes by that I haven't been praying for you. Your faith amazes me... thankyou for sharing your heart.
Andrianne
Rosanna. You are such a beautiful person. My heart aches for you but I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I love you. I will pray for you. I can't wait to meet Nate in heaven and we can jam and sing together in the presence of our maker. Until that day Peace to you.
Matt Nikkel
This is the blog I rely on lately to turn to when I need encouragement and come away feeling refreshed and a new sense of thankfulness and oneness with my creator who is the giver and the taker. Thank you Roseanna for uplifting me.
Wow, that's powerful words and thoughts. I am so glad that you have a family that knows and loves Jesus too. They can walk with you through this difficult time. We ache for you too.
Hi Rosanna,
I have been reading your blog since Nate's death and it is not by chance. I attend the same church in Saskatoon as Nate's Grandparents so this is part of my connection to your story.
My (38 yr old) brother is in ICU in a Calgary hospital after a suicide attempt. He has a wife and two small boys and they are strong christian family. As you can imagine this has rocked our world!!! It is not by chance that I started reading your blog Rosanna. Please be encouraged today that you are making a difference and Nate's life continues through your faithfulness....YOUR LIFE WIll NOT BE IN VAIN!!!! God has a plan.....you have been a part of his plan to encourage me. Thank you for being faithful to the call. Val
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