But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.
Psalm 33:18-22


I miss Nate. Terribly.

More excerpts from Shattered Dreams - Larry Crabb

"Although I'm grateful for all the blessings I still have and although I deeply value the wonderful support of family and friends, nothing has the power to touch me where I most keenly hurt, especially at four in the morning. At those times all I can do is turn to God. ...But when I do, when I cry out, 'God, I need You; where are You? I don't always find Him. In fact, I never do, not the way I thought I would." (told by a friend of Larry Crabb who lost her husband)

Until we realize how badly we need God, how empty we are without Him, we can sing "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" without worrying about whether God really shows up.

We're forced to draw an unpleasant and disturbing conclusion: When the pain of shattered dreams helps us discover our desire for God, God seems to disappear. Or at least His absence becomes obvious. And then we feel our desire for God as throbbing agony. We discover how badly we long to know Him.

But it's in the pain that we discover our desire for God, and it's in the frustration of that desire that we come to realize how sturdy it is. We face the truth that there is no other answer. To whom else shall we go? Moving toward anything we might desire is idolatry and foolishness. Only God has the life our souls desperately need. We come to really believe that.

So we abandon ourselves to Him. And we wait. Any experience of His presence is given as a sovereign mercy. There is no formula for making it happen.

Now we rest, an agitated rest that includes the agony of frustration (and the agony of sadness, confusion and loneliness), but still we rest. And we learn to say, "God, whoever You are, whatever You do, that is all I want. I demand nothing. I will wait for You."

When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way...
I cry to You, O Lord: I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need."
Psalm 142:3,5&6


Be Near - Shane Barnard

You are all big and small
Beautiful and wonderful
To trust in grace through faith
But I'm asking to taste...

Your fullness is mine
Revelation divine
But, o, to taste
To know much more than a page
To feel Your embrace...

For dark is light to You
Depths are height to You
Far is near, but Lord
I need to hear from You

Be near, oh God
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good


"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel" - which means, "God with us."
Matthew 1:23

Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ...It is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge.
Psalm 73:25-28

I Am - Nichole Nordeman

The winds of change and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel you nearer

Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne,
Who can say when, but they’ll dance again,
When I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak,
Still I will call You by name

“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I am, yes, I am."

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17

Nate and I got engaged on December 10th, 2005. Surprise day trip to Whistler. The day held intense goodness. I thank God for His presence. For His plan of marriage. For the depth and richness of love. He does not change.

Thank you Father.

The pen written words in the margin of Nate's bible caught my eye the other night.

Hope beyond Hope.

The verses marked beside it were Job 19: 25-27 -

I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end He will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see Him with my own eyes - I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!

It was not without a struggle that I finally walked out the door yesterday morning to go to church. I had a hard time finding something to wear that would help me feel 'put together'. My heart felt heavy. I felt lonely. I would have never imagined or desired a November Sunday morning like this one.

I tried to reason with myself why it was a good thing I was going to church - even though it felt hard. I felt overwhelmed at the thought of walking in alone, enduring the worship songs while fighting tears, and interacting with others whose Sunday seems so different than mine.

I ended up turning around. I drove back home. When I got inside I put on Nate's sweatpants and one of his hoodies. They remind me of how peaceful and secure it was to be in Nate's embrace. I miss him. My inside hurts.

I turned on a cd with truth-filled lyrics, grabbed the cozy soft blanket that was given as a gift to remind me of God's loving arms, and sat on the couch. Still no tears, just a heavy heart. A heavy, confused, lonely, sad, overwhelmed, insecure and fear-filled heart.

I began re-reading a book I had read quite a few years ago...

Shattered Dreams - Larry Crabb

In our struggle to handle the pain of shattered dreams, however, one question is rarely talked about with honesty. The question is this: What do we do with how we're feeling toward God?

Do we even like God, let alone love Him? Is He on our list of cherished friends? Are we resting in His goodness, confidently trusting Him to work all things together for our good?

In the chaos and heartache of dreams that crumble, God so often seems to pull away. When we cry the loudest, He sometimes turns a deaf ear. Nothing changes. Husbands don't come back.

And when He fails - we feel betrayed, let down, thoroughly disillusioned. He neither reverses the tragedy nor fills us with peace and joy.

How do we trust a sometimes disappointing, seemingly fickle God who fails to do for us what good friends, if they could, would do?

Tears soon began to slide down my cheeks. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. And I question God's power and His love. I question His presence.

Wounded - Shane & Shane

Why since you’ve wounded my heart
Don’t You heal it?
And why since you’ve stolen my heart,
Do you leave it so?

Why don’t you carry away my heart
You have stolen and left here broken
Why don’t you carry away my heart
Already taken

How long? How long? How long?

I continued reading...

"The Lord will be king over the whole earth. On that day there will be one Lord, and his name the only name" (Zechariah 14:9).

The best hope, our highest dream of being in His presence where nothing ever goes wrong and where we fully enjoy Him more than every other blessing, will not be granted till the next life.

We will not suffer in heaven.

I finished the chapter and closed the book. I sighed and wiped my cheeks. And then I heard myself whisper, "I love you Jesus". It wasn't forced. It just came out. It was my only response. And it startled me. Amidst the sadness, hurt and loneliness - I recognized a peace. A loving peace. The peace a promise brings. The promise of heaven.

A promise I desperately cling to.
A promise I eagerly yearn for.
A promise that brings me peace.

I still hated climbing into the empty bed last night. I woke up feeling unsettled this morning. Mondays without Nate are just as lonely as Sundays and every other day of the week. Despite the 'normalness' that comes with the altered and adapted routines - there is a dominant emptiness. The promise of heaven doesn't make that go away. It doesn't change this hated reality. But the promise of heaven holds peace - and this peace has a place beside my sorrow.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, ... And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

The Medley

You’re not here, can you hear me?
The call that shattered my world, was the voice that called you home.
And now I am left to hurt, how can I face this world alone?

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place


Bright skies will soon be overhead
We'll enter into Heaven's rest
There'll be no death, there'll be no pain

So now I wait for a chance, to see your face again
Cause I know this is not the end

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now


Even when I walk through the valley shadowed with death
I will not fear for You are with me

Our Father Himself will be our light
His arms will hold us and with His hands
He'll wipe away the tears that stain our eyes

The beauty of Your peace

- Amanda Falk (For Adam), Mercy Me (Homesick), Tim Hughes (The Beauty of Your Peace), When You Shepherd Me (Brian Doerksen), Fernando Ortega (Beyond the Sky)