I spent last week in Elkhart, Indiana. I thank God for family and the goodness of being next to each other. On Sunday, Tim, Charlotte, Myra and I drove to the Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan which is about two hours away.

The pastor, Rob Bell, spoke on Philippians 1:23-26 - I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary... that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you.

His thoughts about Paul and his suffering while he was in jail have come to mind often this last week. I re-listened to the sermon online and jotted some of the thoughts down. I connect with Paul's desire to 'depart'. I admire his perspective. I claim God's grace. I need His joy.

The rest of this post are excerpts from Rob Bell's sermon -
March 16, 2008 Mars Hill Link

Depart: to strike camp, to pull anchor

Paul taps into the truth of those things you and I experience that are so painful you find yourself thinking, oh man, it would just be easier to be out of here than face this.

Paul says, I am experiencing an extraordinary amount of pain, of tension, I am torn. To be honest, this life, I would just rather leave. Seriously, I would rather go be with Christ. Some things are too painful. Some suffering is unbearable. Some things just rip our hearts out. Just hold it right there. Actually, I would rather just depart. I would rather strike camp. I would rather pull up anchor. I would rather go.

BUT... Paul has a particular conception. A particular believe about what God is up to in this world. He is a dead man walking, but he falls back on this fundamental belief about who God is and what it means to be connected with these people he is writing to.

All of you share in God's grace with me. Philippians 1:7

Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes from prison in 1942, refused to give allegiance to Hitler

What is meant is not something artificially worked up, but it (joy) is a gift freely given. Joy dwells in God, and comes from Him possessing spirit, body and soul. Once this joy has grasped a person it grows, it carries him or her away, it throws open the closed doors.

I am not talking about the kind of joy you have to create for yourself. I am not talking about the kind of joy you have to manufacture, paste on a smile. I am talking about the kind of joy that comes from the very core of who God is and what the universe is at the deepest ground of His being. A joy that is present in the very nature of God. You have to tap into that. It is a gift.

The joy of God has been through the poverty of the manger and the affliction of the cross, therefore, it is indestructible and irrefutable. It does not deny affliction when it it there, but it finds in the very midst of distress that God is there. It looks death in the face and it is just there that it finds LIFE.

It's tough. It's hard. We are suffering. We are getting kicked around. But I am going to stay with you guys because on the other side of this, as we make our way through this, we are going to look back and see God's grace in ways we never thought imaginable. I am going to continue.

Rob Bell concluded his sermon by praying -
God we bring to You our suffering, our pain that makes us want to strike camp. We want to live so fully in the truth that we can name and claim and own and identify our pain, what it looks like, what it feels like and we want to commit it to You so that we can continue in progress and joy. God we want to tap into the kind of joy that opens the doors that are closed. We want to tap into the kind of joy that survives the poverty of the manger and the affliction of the cross. God we want to receive the kind of joy that can look death in the face and find there life, that is truly life. Please rescue us from convictions and believes that don't give life, that don't give grace, that don't give us the common life and fellowship of the Holy Spirit.
In the strong, healing, resurrection of Jesus, Amen.

For God so LOVED the world that He gave His only son,
that whoever believes in HIM will not die but have eternal life.
John 3:16

Closer to me
I'm tired and I'm weak
And every breath within me
Is longing just to be
Closer to You
- Mark Schultz


You are my shelter when strength is gone
You are my refuge when pain holds on
And my soul finds rest in You
- Aimee and Sean Dayton

The Lord is near to all who call on Him.
Psalm 145:18

You hem me in - behind and before;
You have laid your hand upon me.
Psalm 139:5

May Your unfailing love be my comfort,
according to your promise to your servant.
Psalm 119:76

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
Psalm 23: 2&3

When You make me rest beside a peaceful stream
My soul is restored, my strength is renewed
When You shepherd me
- Brian Doerksen


The Shack - William P. Young

"If you couldn't take care of Missy, how can I trust you to take care of me?" There, he'd said it - the question that had tormented him every day of The Great Sadness.

"Mackenzie, I know that your heart is full of pain and anger and a lot of confusion. Together, you and I, we'll get around to some of that while you're here. But I also want you to know that there is more going on that you could imagine or understand, even if I told you. As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, not matter how small, okay?"

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost."
A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."


The last 10 days have been filled with a penetrating warmth. The warmth of the Mexican sun, the warmth of God-trusting friendships, and the warmth of truth and promises. This warmth created spaces of rest. May His warmth continue to strengthen and restore my soul, our souls.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23: 3&4

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 46:1-3

Some of the words in the tears...

It's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be worth it,
It's gonna be worth is all.

And even though I can't understand why this storm still blows
And even though I can't hear Your voice, I love Your rain
Even though I can't see the way up ahead, I know that You lead
Even though I can't feel Your presence now, I know I believe

It's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be worth it,
It's gonna be worth is all.

Even when my heart is torn, I will trust You Lord
Even when I feel deserted, I will trust You Lord
Even in the darkest valley, I will trust You Lord
And when my world is shattered
And it seems all hope is gone
I will trust You Lord

It's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be worth it,
It's gonna be worth is all.

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
I'll give You all my praise
You hold onto all my pain
And with it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

You're gonna be worth it, You're gonna be worth it,
You're gonna be worth is all, I know.

Even Though - Christa Leis & Bruce Ellis
Yet I Will Praise - Andy Park
Worth It All - Rita Springer

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.
Psalm 33:18-22


I miss Nate. Terribly.

More excerpts from Shattered Dreams - Larry Crabb

"Although I'm grateful for all the blessings I still have and although I deeply value the wonderful support of family and friends, nothing has the power to touch me where I most keenly hurt, especially at four in the morning. At those times all I can do is turn to God. ...But when I do, when I cry out, 'God, I need You; where are You? I don't always find Him. In fact, I never do, not the way I thought I would." (told by a friend of Larry Crabb who lost her husband)

Until we realize how badly we need God, how empty we are without Him, we can sing "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" without worrying about whether God really shows up.

We're forced to draw an unpleasant and disturbing conclusion: When the pain of shattered dreams helps us discover our desire for God, God seems to disappear. Or at least His absence becomes obvious. And then we feel our desire for God as throbbing agony. We discover how badly we long to know Him.

But it's in the pain that we discover our desire for God, and it's in the frustration of that desire that we come to realize how sturdy it is. We face the truth that there is no other answer. To whom else shall we go? Moving toward anything we might desire is idolatry and foolishness. Only God has the life our souls desperately need. We come to really believe that.

So we abandon ourselves to Him. And we wait. Any experience of His presence is given as a sovereign mercy. There is no formula for making it happen.

Now we rest, an agitated rest that includes the agony of frustration (and the agony of sadness, confusion and loneliness), but still we rest. And we learn to say, "God, whoever You are, whatever You do, that is all I want. I demand nothing. I will wait for You."